...you'll have your own house & make whatever rules you want.
...he'll realize what he's missing out on.
...you'll forget how crappy of a day that you're having.
...you'll see that all your sacrifices were all worth it.
...you & your nerdy husband will have nerdy kids & live in a big nerdy house. **an awesome gem courtesy of my mom when I came home from elementary school & told her someone called me a nerd
...you will see all of your hard work pay off.
...you'll look back & realize things worked out for the best.
Every muscle in my body tenses up whenever someone starts off a sentence with "One day...". It feels that once again, someone is telling me that I can't have what I want. Granted, sometimes, the statements are valid. Still, it's not what I want to hear. The one day that I thought would be exempt of such a phrase was my birthday. I was sadly mistaken!
As I sat there watching my friend watch me cry like a starving newborn, I was lost on how I could flip from a great day to the monstrosity of a moment that I was experiencing. We've been friends for over a decade now so we have shared these moments before. Having her comfort me with some of the phrases above was not uncharted territory for us. I'd done the same for her in like moments. Never once had I believed that things would not be fairy tale perfect for her when it was all said and done. For some reason, in this moment, as she spoke the words to me, I could not accept it as a truth. Why is it that when it seemed that I could get what I wanted, it was being removed from stock with a note saying "COMING SOON"? The information I'd just taken into my system was surreal. I felt like I'd just been drop-kicked in the chest (repeatedly). With each mouse click & scroll, I took another kick right to the heart. Dancing in my head were the thoughts that what I was doing by reading it all was wrong. (I'm not above taking the blame that I have in this.) Those thoughts were intercepted by "Here we go again!", "I wonder if I would have ever known.", "Did I think I was that special?", "How hard is it to just tell me the truth?", and "WOW! WOW! WOW!" I wanted nothing more than to travel back in time to just one of several very specific points where I could have prevented this moment, us or anything pointing to the crushed feeling that'd taken over me. It was too late & there is no way I can unsee or unfeel all of this. The damage is done...self-inflicted & friendly fire. (Geez, extra dramatic moment! Blame my parents for creating a Leo baby.)
Am I jaded? Yep! I won't pretend like I'm not. This stuff gets real old; real quick. You can't help but feel slighted.
Will I recover? Hell, yes! My faith in who I thought he was & what we could have been were killed but this didn't kill ME! (More dramatics! Sorry!)
Will I forgive? I have no choice. Non-forgiveness on my part means that I don't practice what I preach. Every week, I share that I don't deserve forgiveness but through grace & mercy I receive it. HOWEVER, I will not forget. Not that crazy chick steeze where she's throwing it in the guy's face every 20 minutes. Just the flag inside that'll remind me that losing is sometimes the best form of winning.
I shall continue to wait for the "one day" that all of those "One Day..." declarations come true manifested as doors and no longer walls.
Dear 30s: We're off to a pretty effin' horrible start! Spare me & start to redeem yourself soon!