Guilty Pleasure

I've had that song on repeat for some time now & it never gets old. I've been waiting to see a video but nothing's popped up yet. The collab is perfect! As much as Wale can prove to be an ass with his Twitter antics, he can lay a track. Rick Ross has been on some of my favorite songs lately. Something about him seems like he knows how to be man in all situations. All girls like a man that will take care of business & just allow us to watch him put in work. (Message!) Jeremih's vocals just kind of tied the two together. Whoever put this together hit the nail on the head! My favorite line is Wale's "You'll probably find someone but you'll never find another!"

One day...'ll be next in line for {insert major life event}.'ll have your own house & make whatever rules you want.
...he'll realize what he's missing out on.'ll forget how crappy of a day that you're having.'ll see that all your sacrifices were all worth it. & your nerdy husband will have nerdy kids & live in a big nerdy house. **an awesome gem courtesy of my mom when I came home from elementary school & told her someone called me a nerd will see all of your hard work pay off.'ll look back & realize things worked out for the best.

Every muscle in my body tenses up whenever someone starts off a sentence with "One day...". It feels that once again, someone is telling me that I can't have what I want. Granted, sometimes, the statements are valid. Still, it's not what I want to hear. The one day that I thought would be exempt of such a phrase was my birthday. I was sadly mistaken!

As I sat there watching my friend watch me cry like a starving newborn, I was lost on how I could flip from a great day to the monstrosity of a moment that I was experiencing. We've been friends for over a decade now so we have shared these moments before. Having her comfort me with some of the phrases above was not uncharted territory for us. I'd done the same for her in like moments. Never once had I believed that things would not be fairy tale perfect for her when it was all said and done. For some reason, in this moment, as she spoke the words to me, I could not accept it as a truth. Why is it that when it seemed that I could get what I wanted, it was being removed from stock with a note saying "COMING SOON"? The information I'd just taken into my system was surreal. I felt like I'd just been drop-kicked in the chest (repeatedly). With each mouse click & scroll, I took another kick right to the heart. Dancing in my head were the thoughts that what I was doing by reading it all was wrong. (I'm not above taking the blame that I have in this.) Those thoughts were intercepted by "Here we go again!", "I wonder if I would have ever known.", "Did I think I was that special?", "How hard is it to just tell me the truth?", and "WOW! WOW! WOW!" I wanted nothing more than to travel back in time to just one of several very specific points where I could have prevented this moment, us or anything pointing to the crushed feeling that'd taken over me. It was too late & there is no way I can unsee or unfeel all of this. The damage is done...self-inflicted & friendly fire. (Geez, extra dramatic moment! Blame my parents for creating a Leo baby.)

Am I jaded? Yep! I won't pretend like I'm not. This stuff gets real old; real quick. You can't help but feel slighted.
Will I recover? Hell, yes! My faith in who I thought he was & what we could have been were killed but this didn't kill ME! (More dramatics! Sorry!)
Will I forgive? I have no choice. Non-forgiveness on my part means that I don't practice what I preach. Every week, I share that I don't deserve forgiveness but through grace & mercy I receive it. HOWEVER, I will not forget. Not that crazy chick steeze where she's throwing it in the guy's face every 20 minutes. Just the flag inside that'll remind me that losing is sometimes the best form of winning.

I shall continue to wait for the "one day" that all of those "One Day..." declarations come true manifested as doors and no longer walls.

Dear 30s: We're off to a pretty effin' horrible start! Spare me & start to redeem yourself soon!

The countdown begins...(and rambling about my rambling)

I'm awfully ramble-y lately! I'm not sure what the deal is but I feel like I'm much more talkative than usual. I'm 99.9999956% sure that it's because I'm rounding my last days in my 20s. I guess instead of going out & blowing money on things I don't need, I'm gushing with random babble. God bless my friends for bearing with me. Luck for you that you only get my 2 cents if I click "publish post". The loves of my life get a dose of me by way of phone call, BBM, GChat, text, carrier pigeon and sneak attack. There's not nearly enough wine, chocolate & shiny things by which I could sufficiently repay them for the energy they expend to keep me sane (and from running off to be a nun who sneakily drinks wine in her room of the convent while waiting on the hot Italian guy who delivers the bread each day. If I'm going to finish my days in a convent, at least, allow me to view the merchandise since I can't touch it!). As I was saying, My friends are the bestest that a girl can have & I don't take them for granted a single day.

Speaking of awesome friends, I'm planning to couch surf at a friend's in the very near future. Since my trip last summer, I've spent over 365 days craving pizza from Gino's East in Chicago and I think I will explode if I do not consume it soon. So to Chi-town I will go! I'm not really up for a Dirty 30 party so I'm just going to hang with my friend, eat my way through the Gino's East menu, frolic on Pennsylvania Avenue for a few days, then bring it back home. This is how I want to welcome my 30s! I'm silently counting the days until my feet touch Midwest soil!

P.S. I got the Instructional Design Specialist position that I've been going after & I am so excited! It's taken a month of exhausting interviews, pushing myself and encouraging words from friends. Again, I feel blessed beyond measure!