Imperfectly Quotable

"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking."

Marianna Williamson

Forgive my disbelief!

Sometimes I can't believe:

• what an awesome set of friends that I have
• just how wrong I was about life as a teen
• the awesome endless possibilities this world holds
• how much love I am capable of expending despite all the hurt I've experienced
• what a cruel world I live in
• the kindred souls I've met despite us being so many miles away
• how much I have grown in the last 5 years
• how paralyzing some of my most irrational fears are to me
• my brain hasn't exploded from all the dorky & useless info I cram into it
• how much I love sushi
• I survived my teen years without crumbling to ashes
• I have these 2 piercings and want more
• how massive my hair is
• I'm not out of these damn braces yet
• people actually care what I have to say
• I'm madly in love with someone & there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it
• God chooses repeatedly to use me bring life back to others
• that person in the mirror is me

Disbelief is the most counterproductive cognitive function! The only way to cure it is simply to do the opposite and just believe. Each day is a process that I'm willing to give my all to because I know the end result will be worth the effort.

You owe IT to yourself!

By "it", I mean honesty! Early in life, I fell prey to the mindset of keeping quiet as to limit the number of feathers that I'd ruffled in life. Looking back, I can remember run-ins with a few haughty personalities that further influenced my decision. I even recall a sharp-tongued "That's what you get for thinking" reprimand at the hands of my mother. I never wanted to cause trouble or be a hindrance. I only wanted to make a difference in the world! It seemed like a simple enough task but there were some bumps in the road. Years of taking the passive co-signer's role led me to some pretty unfavorable situations. Not all bad but I can't say that I was always proud of my stance and the resulting outcome. In some cases, I regretted my spineless involvement to the point of tears. The continuous cycle of people-pleasing then regret soon led to resentment for others & myself.

As this wasn't an easy cycle to fall into, it was an agonizing cypher to break free of. I struggled so much with how I'd be perceived or even if I was capable of making a decision on my own. At my table sat resent, doubt, inferiority, shame, and a host of other downtrodden insecurities. Wrestling with these for so many years pushed me to a point of exhaustion and outright sadness. I had to make a change and my life depended on it. Changing behavior that's become nature will never happen overnight. Honestly, the journey isn't over until you're dead. As long as there are choices to be made in life, you are on the battlefield fighting for your personal truth. So, how did I get to the breaking point and what did I do? Though the task seems great, the actions are small & purposeful!

• I mastered having "face time" with myself. Admittedly, a few times I was forced into this when it was just me alone with my emotions. Hating to be backed into that corner of inadequacy & resentment, I resolved to make purposeful time to have honest reflection on where I am, how I got here , and where I want to go from here. I'll never lie to say this was always an easy moment to be in but it helped me to really understand what makes me tick. I was able to see decisions that were counterproductive for what they were.
• I had to end the blame game. My entire life I listened to family members blame life's circumstances and other people for their poor choices. Without even realizing it, I'd taken on the same mind frame. By blamimg someone for my bad choices, I was essentially saying they were in control of me. Never so! I was fucking up on my own and I knew it! An exercise in 100% responsibility showed me that and I'm forever grateful for the eye opening experience.
• My opinion is valuable! Never one to be in the forefront or seek to outright lead, I convinced myself that my individual opinion wasn't as important as the popular vote. It wasn't until I stepped into a true support role at work that I realized that my job was to offer up a voice when I saw an opportunity or disaster on the horizon. Still a work in progress, I'm far more aware of the significance of my opinion in those crucial moments.
• Question everything!* (Can I express how much I really hate this part! I really want to believe that everyone is innately good and also looking out for me but, sadly, that's not always the case!) This was so hard for me because I felt like I risked coming across as defiant or even juvenile. It took some mastering but I learned the benefits of approach, tone and timing! If one of the three is off, things could crash & burn FAST. Sure, I feel like a tool sometimes for asking 'why' but it clears up any possible misconceptions.

Being honest with yourself is simply a part of growing up. The sooner that you can take off other's expectations & misconceptions that you're wearing, the sooner you can enjoy being comfortable in your own skin. Others will appreciate your authenticity & you free yourself to love the best possible life you can!

*I have another post in the works about the whole questioning things. I'm finally going to get off my butt to finish & edit it. Say a prayer!

Photo credit: Brianna McCarthy

Confessional is now open!

I don't boast about it but I'm a bit artsy fartsy when left to myself. I don't have a particular medium that I like to work with. I've tried a few different techniques over the year. My job doesn't allow for any creativity so I escape by way of quick pencil sketches. My mind gets so cluttered with random idea that a few years back I started carrying moleskin notebooks in my purse. Fairly quickly, more than half of the pages are littered with random doodles. I never show anyone because they're never anything special. It's my little secret! Once I've finished a book, I throw it into a pile and rarely do I ever go back to look at them. I picked up the drawing bug from my dad. He's the most talented artist that I know. Sadly, it's not a talent that he uses often; if ever. He's a secret doodler like me. In high school, he was granted an Art scholarship but he didn't use it. He was pushed to focus on basketball because of his height. (He's 6'9"!) When the basketball thing didn't get him into college, he just started to work. I remember the first time that I discovered he could draw. I was working on a project and asked for some help drawing a horse. In minutes, he'd sketched out the most perfect masterpiece. I contemplated signing my name on the bottom to turn it in as my own work but he wasn't having it. He took me through the steps on creating my own. And that's when the art bug bit me! I've drawn all kinds of things & recently branched out to photography. I get super excited at the opportunities to get outside to take pictures or lay out & draw. Doesn't happen too much but it's a treat when I get the chance.

I'm sure you're wondering why this qualifies as confession worthy! Well, I've been wanting to discreetly put together a collection of sketches and photos. I've been putting it off & making excuses about time and my lack of professional training. I received a random e-mail from a childhood acquaintance and wrote a super-charged motivational e-mail reply just to realize that I should be taking my own advice. Dawn Okoro's recent blog post pretty much reinforced that little voice that was telling me that I have no more reasons to run from it. I'm entering a local event where random citizens are asked to fill a small sketchpad with their creativity. I should get my book by the weekend. I'll share the final product before I turn it back in at the beginning of September.

Living as the New Eve

Lately, I have been in the strangest place spiritually. The pull on me to be dynamic, bold & virtuous has felt like too much to bear at some times. None of the education I’ve received ever covered how to dream big, live up to those dreams but still be rooted. There have been days where I felt a big, gaping hole in me and knew all that would fill that space would be the manifestation of my greatest dreams. Realistically, I had to ask myself a few questions: How do you even start to fill that space when the dreams are so unnervingly large? Should you even try? Is it a mission that is sure to end with death before success? And the tummy swirls begin…

Shocking confession: Sometimes it scares me to close my eyes! Something happens when I give my mind time away from the present and it scares me sh*tless sometimes. The images are so vivid that they mimic a motion picture! Often times, afternoon naps are more tiring to wake up from because I’ve spent them in this endless world of possibility. Some are so amazing that I have to document them so I grab the first thing I can get my hands on to record this macrocosm of images and…NOTHING! I can’t get them onto paper! How am I going to map out this plan to get there if I can’t even get it written down? (This will definitely have to be tackled in another post!)

So the adventure begins with me as a modern-day Eve in a modern day Garden of Eden! Good news is that I’ve already eaten the apple. Bad news is that I’ve already eaten the apple! {insert profanity & head-banging} I can’t spend the rest of my life at that crossroad so I’m pushing forward (with my bag of potential). First things first, no one looking for a cameo is invited on this journey. If you don't want to be in for the long haul, don’t step up to the ticket counter because you will not be admitted on this train. Secondly, I am armed & dangerous! Really but not really…I’m definitely outfitting myself with “the belt of truth”, “breastplate of righteousness”, and “the shield of faith”. I guess that only makes me dangerous to those that seek to hinder me. (Yikes, did I just serve someone notice? If so, spare us both & just walk in the other direction!) Lastly, I must make the choices that lead me to a life of fulfillment not regret. Compromise on this is not an option! The challenge of my choice still scares me but I can’t afford to back away now. *closes eyes*

Photo: Magda by Brianna McCarthy via Passion.Fruit

Please stop my Brianna's blog & check out her awesome paintings & sketches. I'm constantly in a state of ah when I see the beautiful & powerful pieces that she creates.