Seen and Heard

My introverted personality takes pride in moving about undetected with stealth-like precision. Last week, I had a complete misfire of my ninja powers...

My alarm started blaring at 5:30 and I stumbled from the bed about a hour later. Despite the slow start, I was in great spirits & went about getting ready. I don't toil around with making perfect outfits. I pretty much close my eyes, reach in my closet & pull out something. As long as the resulting outfit covers my lady bits, I roll with it without too much additional thought. This day was no different. By 7:20, I was out the door & at Starbucks by 7:30. In that 10 minute time frame, a monsoon came through and I was taking my 2nd shower of the day. Still determined to get in my daily allowance of caffeine, I snatched up my umbrella from the passenger side floorboard, whipped it out my door & headed into the elements. Halfway across the parking lot, God must have taken a deep sigh because a huge gust of wind came through. Consequently, my umbrella turned on me & cracked me right in the middle of my forehead. So M-F'ing hard that I stumbled! Through the cartoon-like stars circling my head, I saw another Starbucks patron shaking his head in amazement at my moment of discombobulation! Not wanting to let on that I felt as small as an ant, I sauntered right into the Starbucks to get my crack...err, drink. The wind was apparently still in the mood to toy with me & was now forcing me to use my not-so-brute strength to open the door. Once I got it open, the damn wind was not letting go & causing me to yank it closed. {Insert loud boom} Gathering my composure & my cardigan (now completely twisted & exposing far too much skin for February), I let my umbrella down and tossed it next to the creamer station. {Insert nuclear bomb sound effect} Terrified, I looked around and locked eyes with my Starbucks admirer. My brain flooded with millions of prayers similar to: "GO-GO-GADGET INVISIBLE CLOAK", "PLEASE GOD MELT ME INTO A PUDDLE LIKE IN THE CARTOONS" and "WAKE UP & THIS DREAM WILL BE OVER"! I think God may have walked away from the mainline briefly because none of the above happened. I hurried to the counter to order my goods, spoke a gratuitous "Good Morning!" to my buddy then scurried to my car. Once in the safety of my car, I let out the most audible sigh in history then smacked my (still pink from Round 1 with my umbrella)forehead on the steering wheel. I want to tell you the day got astronomically better. I really do! In typical fashion, I managed to execute several equally embarrassing moments across the remainder of the day. I hit the sack around 8:00 that night to spare the lives of the remaining citizens of my dear city.

This is not an excerpt from a tween book series! This is a typical day in my life proving that you just grow older not cooler!


Photo credit: I stole this picture somewhere from the interwebz months ago. I'll find the original owner & give them proper credits, I promise!

You owe IT to yourself!

By "it", I mean honesty! Early in life, I fell prey to the mindset of keeping quiet as to limit the number of feathers that I'd ruffled in life. Looking back, I can remember run-ins with a few haughty personalities that further influenced my decision. I even recall a sharp-tongued "That's what you get for thinking" reprimand at the hands of my mother. I never wanted to cause trouble or be a hindrance. I only wanted to make a difference in the world! It seemed like a simple enough task but there were some bumps in the road. Years of taking the passive co-signer's role led me to some pretty unfavorable situations. Not all bad but I can't say that I was always proud of my stance and the resulting outcome. In some cases, I regretted my spineless involvement to the point of tears. The continuous cycle of people-pleasing then regret soon led to resentment for others & myself.

As this wasn't an easy cycle to fall into, it was an agonizing cypher to break free of. I struggled so much with how I'd be perceived or even if I was capable of making a decision on my own. At my table sat resent, doubt, inferiority, shame, and a host of other downtrodden insecurities. Wrestling with these for so many years pushed me to a point of exhaustion and outright sadness. I had to make a change and my life depended on it. Changing behavior that's become nature will never happen overnight. Honestly, the journey isn't over until you're dead. As long as there are choices to be made in life, you are on the battlefield fighting for your personal truth. So, how did I get to the breaking point and what did I do? Though the task seems great, the actions are small & purposeful!

• I mastered having "face time" with myself. Admittedly, a few times I was forced into this when it was just me alone with my emotions. Hating to be backed into that corner of inadequacy & resentment, I resolved to make purposeful time to have honest reflection on where I am, how I got here , and where I want to go from here. I'll never lie to say this was always an easy moment to be in but it helped me to really understand what makes me tick. I was able to see decisions that were counterproductive for what they were.
• I had to end the blame game. My entire life I listened to family members blame life's circumstances and other people for their poor choices. Without even realizing it, I'd taken on the same mind frame. By blamimg someone for my bad choices, I was essentially saying they were in control of me. Never so! I was fucking up on my own and I knew it! An exercise in 100% responsibility showed me that and I'm forever grateful for the eye opening experience.
• My opinion is valuable! Never one to be in the forefront or seek to outright lead, I convinced myself that my individual opinion wasn't as important as the popular vote. It wasn't until I stepped into a true support role at work that I realized that my job was to offer up a voice when I saw an opportunity or disaster on the horizon. Still a work in progress, I'm far more aware of the significance of my opinion in those crucial moments.
• Question everything!* (Can I express how much I really hate this part! I really want to believe that everyone is innately good and also looking out for me but, sadly, that's not always the case!) This was so hard for me because I felt like I risked coming across as defiant or even juvenile. It took some mastering but I learned the benefits of approach, tone and timing! If one of the three is off, things could crash & burn FAST. Sure, I feel like a tool sometimes for asking 'why' but it clears up any possible misconceptions.

Being honest with yourself is simply a part of growing up. The sooner that you can take off other's expectations & misconceptions that you're wearing, the sooner you can enjoy being comfortable in your own skin. Others will appreciate your authenticity & you free yourself to love the best possible life you can!

*I have another post in the works about the whole questioning things. I'm finally going to get off my butt to finish & edit it. Say a prayer!

Photo credit: Brianna McCarthy

And then there was 1...

How often does this happen? I'm the lucky girl who gets the trolley to myself...AGAIN! I should probably be worried about what people will think of me riding the trolley alone on a Friday night. I'm not. I should probably be worried about some thug snatching my purse. I'm not. I actually kind of like this. Not even the driver has mumbled a word to me. (My guess is that he likes being alone, too.) As odd as it seems to others, I like it this way. Only when I'm alone can I really appreciate myself. Being in the mix throws in added nuisance of insecurity & doubt. Who wants to party with those two Debbie Downers? In this moment, I love that no one can be dorky, charming, mysterious and passionate ME!

Growing up, we're constantly told that we're unique & there's no one else like us. Well, I can boast that's pretty accurate for me. See, I'm part of the 1%! Not just any 1% but THE 1% that wears the label INFJ! In moments like this, my INFJ is at peace & can rest but still relish in the moment. We like the chance to just be surrounded by space. For in that space, our creativity and intellect run wild. All the problems of the world are quickly solved once space exists. I love space & it loves me. We make a powerful couple that can take the world head on. So we'll finish this ride & things will be much clearer at the end. And then I'll step back into world as just one of many but my favorite ONE!

*I wrote this last night while doing one of my favorite things in the entire world - riding the Main Street trolley. In my perfect world, I can get in one Main Street visit a week. It's only $1 each time you get on and it pays for itself over and over again. This is where I get in the best people watching and conversations with strangers. My BlackBerry is full of these random thoughts which, until now, have never seen the light of day. Eeeek!